Tasha Nathan
Dear Straight Up!
I’m 26 and in my prime. I have a professional career and make good money. I have my own pad and my own ride. I volunteer and give back to the community. I’m physically in the best shape of my life and I look better than I ever did before.
But I have one major weakness – girls! Skinny girls, fit girls, tall girls, short girls, blondes, brunettes, Asians, Latinas and yes even dusky Tamil girls. I love them all!
I love the thrill of the chase. And I love variety. When I meet a new girl I find attractive, I can’t help but think about seducing her into bed. And invariably after this happens, I get bored and think about my next conquest.
I’ve never had a serious relationship and I’ve never been in love. Worse, at this point I feel like I’m incapable of falling for any one girl.
Recently, my mom has pressured me about getting married. She even chastised me for not having a ”girlfriend” like most of her friends’ sons. This is because I had a repressed upbringing. After all, girls were forbidden and studies were more important. So for 26 years I never talked about girls, never talked about love and romance, and never ever brought any girls anywhere near the house.
I’m convinced that my folks think I’m an awkward shy loner hermit who’s afraid of women and quite possibly a homosexual. They have no clue about my extra-curricular activities. Should I come clean about my promiscuous ways? And will I ever be able to settle down with a nice “homely” Tamil girl?
– Addicted to the Chase
Dear Addicted to the Chase,
You said it yourself – you are 26 and in your prime. You have everything going for you and you want to enjoy it while you can.
However, you are wrong in thinking that you’re incapable of falling for any one girl. It’s not that you’re incapable – it’s simply that you are just not ready. If having a relationship is what you really want, you need to change your approach towards women. To see them as mere conquests whose sole purpose resides in the pleasures of the bedroom and nothing more is what hinders you from actually having a proper relationship. When you approach a woman, your priority should not be to have sex with them. Your priority should be to get to know the person. After that, sex can take precedence.
Using your upbringing as an excuse to justify your promiscuity is hogwash. If that was the case then every single Tamil person would have the same mindset in their approach towards the opposite sex. You have been repressed, yes, and since you are at that point in your life where you can explore your sexuality, you are taking full rein of it. There is nothing wrong with that.
However, if that is the type of lifestyle you want for yourself, then just be happy with it and do not let the pressure of culture change you. To force yourself to settle down at this point will put not only yourself but also the girl you marry on the road to misery.
Regardless of the lifestyle you choose to follow, please take into consideration that women are human beings with feelings as well. Be straightforward about what you can and cannot give and try not to mislead them about your intentions.
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Dear Straight Up!
My friend and I have known each other for a very long time. I’m also friends with her ex. Recently, her ex and I have started to become very close and I’m starting to develop feelings for him. I know he feels the same way because he told me that he likes me but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt my friend and because of this I haven’t really hung out with her or talked to her like I normally would because I feel so guilty.
Although I really like him, I also value my friendship and I don’t want to end up losing either of them because of this. What should I do?
– Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
I’m going with the assumption that you are all mature adults and can approach this situation without any verbal bashing coming into play. You should talk to your friend and see how she feels about her ex and whether there are still any lingering feelings. If there is nothing, then she should not have a problem with the two of you getting together and it should not affect your friendship. Just because it didn’t work out between the two of them does not mean that it won’t work out between the two of you. But the two of you need the emotional maturity to be able to handle that.
However, if you find out that she still has lingering feelings for him, then you need to take a step back and let her sort out how she feels about this. You don’t want to make her feel as if you went behind her back and somehow “stole” him from her. Be honest in how you feel. If she still feels something for him, she may be angry or feel betrayed. Just remember to just give her some space to process the situation.
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Check out our previous Straight Up! advice columns:
Dear Straight Up! I Met Someone Online but Don’t Want to Give Him My Number
Dear Straight Up! I’m Liberal, He’s Conservative: Will It Work Out?
Dear Straight Up! Should I Be Open About My Past?
Dear Straight Up! Should I Look for a Tamil Girl on My Own or Get an Arranged Marriage?
Dear Straight Up! My Best Friends are Dating and I Feel Like a Third Wheel
Dear Straight Up! My Fiance is Demanding a Dowry
Dear Straight Up! My Parents Don’t Approve of My Interracial Relationship
Dear Straight Up! I Cheated on My Girlfriend
Dear Straight Up! I Have Feelings for My Best Friend’s Ex
Dear Straight Up! I’m Not Attracted to My Boyfriend
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