Regardless of the generation we grew up in within the Tamil community, it is undeniable to admit we are a superficial group. We can sugarcoat it; pretend like education, family history, background, experience etc. are what define what our assets are… but the truth is no arranged marriage starts without an exchange of a photo. A photo doesn’t describe any of these things to a prospective partner other than what you’ll be looking at every morning you wake up post-marriage. Even when it comes to introducing a love interest to your parents, one of the first requests you’ll hear is, “show me a picture”. In our culture, looks can account for almost everything as not many will look past the picture, unless they are satisfied with who meets the eye…

“I have never seen so much hair in my life on a baby”

“My daughter has the thickest hair”

“It’s so thick it won’t even stay in a braid no matter how tight I make the plaits”

From the day I was born until about 16 years of age all I heard was praise about how thick and luscious my hair was. How perfect it was. The perfect “Tamil Hair”. In all honesty, at that age I absolutely hated it. I looked like a mess in every class picture. It got in the way for every sports team I was on. I basically had an afro as my mother thought combing out natural curls, creating enough static electricity to power a lightbulb, was attractive.  And when my mom took out the tangles, the pain would be excruciating enough to contemplate shaving my head.

Nowadays that’s a distant memory.

Female Pattern Baldness. It is NOT UNCOMMON. Whether it be Alopecia, Female Pattern Baldness, Chemotherapy Drugs, receding hairline, Overall hair thinning… Hair loss is hard to deal with.

Especially in a superficial culture where every flaw in every individual hardly fails to go unnoticed regardless of the occasion.

I remember going to a funeral and getting remarks like these:

“Are you studying too hard, you have no hair….”

“This is what happens when you don’t eat vegetables…”

“Stop tying your hair in a ponytail, that’s why you are bald…”

“How are you going to get married like this… your parents are going to struggle”

Brutal isn’t it? Where is the line drawn? There is no line is there within our culture?

One underestimates the value hair adds to one’s appearance until they themselves experience such a loss. This may seem like a superficial need but it really is something that is a part of your identity. I remember walking into a hair salon and asking about permanent extensions and getting turned down as my hair was too thin for extensions. I simply didn’t have enough hair to mask extensions. It was hard to hear, but it was the reality of the situation. The only way I was told was to opt for a wig. This for some reason hurt me even more, and now thinking back on it, I know why that was. I hadn’t realized how bad my hair loss was until that moment. I was forced to come to terms with something I was not ready to face. 

There was one day when I decided I’d give a wig a try, because the pain of seeing myself in the mirror everyday just upset me terribly. I walked into a store and tried one on. My friend who accompanied me said I looked beautiful so I was ready to face myself in the mirror. So I had thought anyway. I walked over with a smile on my face, finally a solution. Hopeful me turned into the mirror and I started crying until everything was blurred enough so I wouldn’t have to see again the unfamiliar individual who stood before me. The wig was a mask I wasn’t ready to wear. A disguise well beyond my comprehension. In that moment; I was a stranger to myself…

I have a lot of work to do within myself to accept the fact that I am still beautiful. I will always have insecurities about my hair loss and I will always try to find ways to fix what I feel is broken within myself. But ultimately it doesn’t completely define me and it isn’t all that one sees when looking at me.

The topic of hair loss is a tough one to speak of in our culture but it exists, men themselves get sensitive when it comes to the start of a bald spot. Us women experience this loss too. Unfortunately it’s more common than we think. Whether it be a vitamin deficiency, genetics, hormone imbalances, environment, diet, side effects of drugs- the causes are endless and sometimes undefinable. If it happens, there is not much that can be done about it a lot of the time. The positive is; if you do suffer from this… you are not alone. There are many of us out there with you, struggling with the same issue within our superficial realm. We may not be the ideal Tamil ponnu with hip length black hair that shines just like in the Pantene commercials on SunTV… But we are Tamil… We are Women… And we do have a face underneath our little hair.

A face that can…

raise its eyebrows at an unexpected comment…

eyes to turn away for every snarky remark…

a nose to flare to express our silent anger….

cheeks to turn crimson…

and a smile to show happiness is our greatest asset…

We may not be the ideal Tamil Ponnu, but we are still an unconventional kind of beautiful.