The cool breeze gently caresses your smiling faces as you walk hand in hand. You listen intently to his every word and smile as you stroll down the dimly lit street. This was an amazing evening and you don’t want it to end. He was charming, funny, intelligent and there were no awkward silences. You felt a good connection.

As your attraction grows, you imagine what your first kiss will be like. You finally reach your car and fiddle with your keys, waiting in anticipation for him to make a move. You look at him expectantly, widen your eyes and slowly lean against your car in the hopes that your body language appears somewhat seductive. His lack of action leads you to mentally curse him for taking so long. You start wondering if he’s really that obtuse.

But just as you consider taking the straightforward approach, he gazes at your face and moves closer. About time, you think to yourself. Your lips curve into a soft smile as he places his hands gently on your hips and pulls you closer. Your eyes droop ever so slightly as you tilt your face up to his. You feel your heart pounding and butterflies flutter in your stomach. Your lips part longingly, your eyes close and you fantasize about how perfect this moment is….

That is until his tongue, drenched with the slimy wetness of his saliva, assaults your face. You start to think that maybe there really won’t be a need to apply makeup remover tonight. As the slobbering continues, you sadly realize that there will definitely be no makeup on your face to remove.

You suppress the urge to shudder in disgust and pull away. All the butterflies you felt earlier have dropped dead from being hosed down with his slobber. Your fantasies have morphed into a nightmare, and now you are left wondering just how to escape. But really, we don’t want to seem rude. After all, you’re not rejecting him. Just his saliva err… kiss.

We’ve all been there ladies. It’s a sad reality that can only change when certain men choose to acknowledge that they really are not Casanova. Only a truly humble heart will ever acknowledge they’ve committed a kissaster – a horrible, terrible kiss never to be repeated again. Ever.

I’m sure there are men out there who are aware that water is available for women to rinse their faces with, and as such do not feel the need to be overly generous with their saliva. But should these other men have a beard on top of being a bad kisser, we end up going through a full face exfoliation. When his beard assaults our faces, we can literally feel dead skin cells being sanded away.

Then there are men who are not aware that we have an employer-sponsored dental plan and thus feel the need to be a little extreme when it comes to “kissing” our teeth. I call these men the dental hygienists because after you’re done, you don’t feel the need to visit the dentist for the next six months.

And then there are the men who are so conservative with their kiss that you only get the most brief closed mouth peck. Several times. They come at you with such enthusiasm and vigour and then pull away quickly as if you might combust into flames. Men – we want romance and seduction. We don’t want you to re-enact a scene from Woody Woodpecker.

What about those men who shy away from bringing out the tongue? They lean in – their mouth open – and you are misled into believing that he’s going for a French kiss. When in fact, he’s just mimicing a baby bird – mouth agape – and we are left with this feeling of kissing a gaping hole. Awkward.

Kissasters are not limited to the technique of the kiss itself. How a man takes care of his oral area can contribute a great deal to the overall satisfaction of a good mouth-to-mouth connection. Bad breath, chapped lips and overall poor oral hygiene are just not cool.

As women, we want to feel flurries of excitement, passion and heat – not choke on the horrible stench of your accumulated bacteria on top of dry peeled skin attacking our sensitive skin. I mean come on… would you want to kiss someone with bark-like lips coupled with the fumes of a septic tank breezing out of their mouth? Didn’t think so.

And don’t think that merely popping a mint before a peck will help the situation. Whether you have good or bad breath, at least wait until it is fully dissolved. Or spit it out before making any attempts to exchange saliva. We want to gasp with ecstasy, not because your wad of gum is lodged in our trachea.

I get it men. Your only step-by-step guide comes from the media and how-to videos on YouTube. And even then, without application, you really cannot refine your skills. Forget Kollywood – the Tamil movie version of “kissing” is comprised of two people rubbing their heads together, kind of like cats rubbing heads as a way of greeting each other.

It is because of this pitiful excuse for visual guidance that you turn to another source for maximum learning experience – porn. Then you follow that up with Hollywood movies just to make sure the education corroborates with one another. Sadly, no matter how much porn you may devote yourself to or the passionate movie scenes you might ingrain into your psyche, you fail to understand that any steamy kissing must first go through an initial stage and slowly build momentum.

Take it slow. Remember – baby steps for each action. Don’t feel the need to go aggressively beyond the point of our mouth and eventually have your mouth become our oxygen mask by eating our face. Really… don’t. If you’re hungry, feel free to go to your nearest Babu catering or Canbe and satisfy your hunger with some actual food. Our face is not it. What you think of passion we interpret as nobody is properly feeding you at home.

Finally, dear men… we women do like and appreciate your kind! You are an awesome bunch that contribute to the drama of our otherwise mundane lives and for that we are forever entertained. However, all that we ask is for you to be mindful when initiating carbon copies of classic rom-coms.

Be aware of her body language. Does she seem like she’s pulling or turning her face away from you? Or worse yet, does she have a look of horrified disgust? If so, then it’s really time for you to slow down.

Be open to constructive criticism. Trust me, we women would love to give it and will do it kindly without seeking to emasculate your manhood. Why? Because this involves two people and we also want to enjoy the experience. We want to be swept off our feet with the air of romance tickling our senses and putting us in La LaLand – not wondering if we are the unfortunate test dummies on a case of CPR gone wild!

And remember… practice does make perfect!

Disclaimer: this article is an accumulation of the experiences of many women and is shared for entertainment purposes only. It does not reflect the smooching abilities of all men… just the ones who try too hard!

Related:
“First Date Dos and Don’ts for Guys”
“First Date Dos and Don’ts for Ladies”