Depression: Let's Talk

Depression is an extremely hard topic to talk about especially within the Tamil community. There is a stigma attached to depression as we are told that we have no reason to be depressed. It was our parents who went through war-torn times, who lived to survive, and who sacrificed everything to provide for us. So why should we feel depressed? What hardships do we have to endure that could even equate to what they experienced?

Sinve I’ve seen only half of the things my parents have been through, I was ashamed of having depressive thoughts. I hid behind my giggly personality. Everything is easier when you’re fine.

You never know when depression will hit you. You never know if you are going to be okay that day. It’s always lingering in the back of your mind, like a persistent shadow. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore it and sometimes it completely takes over. It became harder for me to go outside or even leave my bed. I started to sink further into this hole that I was burying myself into. The more I sank, the less I had to look forward to.

I started getting panic attacks and would cry for absolutely no reason. Being inactive and enclosed led to weight gain. I wasn’t overeating – I was just immobile. I started losing hair and became heavily malnourished. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. As this destructive cycle continued, I sometimes felt like giving up. The only thing holding me back was the thought of my family.

It was a very dark time. I wasn’t myself. Thinking back, I don’t even think I could relate to the person I once was. I was this extremely bright candle and all of a sudden the flame turned to smoke. Reading the old passages I used to write seem so distant to me.

“There’s never really a time when my mind isn’t quiet. I just want it to shut up and stop reminding me of the things I have yet to do and the goals that I am far away from and my expectations and dreams that I have to fulfill. I get so caught up with every single task and demand and just freak out and forget to do the little things that are necessary to function, to breathe.

Breathing is my last priority and gets lost in a sea of to dos and makes me so anxious and panicked until I finally break down and eventually pick my self up again after a long time of self loathing and reevaluation of why I’m even here. I hate this cycle of destruction where nothing really is restored in the end, but gets destroyed even more until I’m left with nothing and no one. I feel empty, like I’m in a constant void.”

My level of depression was not as severe as it could have been. I was fully aware that some people have it much worse. However, nothing you endure can be compared to someone else’s battle, no matter the intensity. I was so used to hearing that I had no excuse to feel this way.

That’s the thing about mental health; the pain that is endured is subjective. There is a long period of grieving and healing until you decide that you will not let it take over your life anymore. The hardest battle to fight is the battle against yourself. Everyone has their own way of coping. I slept – a lot. And I’ve learned that the only person responsible for your quality life is you.

Sometimes our parents or family members won’t understand what we are going through and that’s okay. When my mom found out, she tried to get as much information from me as possible. But I really did not want to talk to her about how I felt, which is why I sought out a counselor. I preferred to talk to someone who was detached from my life because I had no relation to them whatsoever.

I felt ashamed about talking to my mom about my “problems” when they seemed like nothing compared to hers. My grandmother was even mad at me for feeling this way. Why was I unsatisfied with my life when everything was provided for me? I couldn’t even answer her question, but I knew that there was no way of trying to explain this to her. You just have to move on.

During the healing process, there will be some good days and some bad days. But you will pick yourself up again. It’s a good idea to keep yourself distracted with a routine that doesn’t allow for free time to think to yourself, and to constantly be surrounded by people. This will force you to talk about other things. The pace of getting through these stages is all up to you. The simplest things like getting out of bed everyday will become accomplishments, and in the midst of everything you will eventually find yourself again.