Dear Grade 9 Me,

‘Sup playa? I bet you’re expecting me to tell you about how great you are, how you lost all that weight, got perfect hair and fixed your Dumbo ears. I bet you want to hear about how your band is selling out shows all over the world. Or about how you becoming this wicked awesome lawyer that drives a Ferrari and vacations in Maui. Or about how you became Batman. How about the time you lead the Blue Jays to 5 straight World Series’? I could tell you about how you overcame that crippling awkwardness and became a lady-killer who’s dating JoJo and Amanda Bynes… at the same time.

But you’re not. You’re none of those things.

You’re never going to look like that movie star. Luckily for you, you did lose all that weight. That caterpillar that lived above your lip, started to grow into a beautiful hairy butterfly that covered your face and made you look like the baddest dude on the planet. You got rid of that stupid spiky haired look with horrible frosted tips and went back to the days of when dad used to dig the comb into your head pulling out part of scalp while trying to give you comb over. You pulled your pants up and started to buy clothes that fit. And now you look suave as shit you ugly son of a bitch. You realize that you’ll only look as good as the effort you put in. Lazy isn’t cool, it’s ugly and stupid and people will think you’re a homeless person. Trust me it happened.

Right now you think you’re going to graduate university with the greatest degree you can get it. You think that you’ll walk up to that podium, looking fly as hell in your gown and hat. And that when you get that little piece of paper you’re going to get whisked away to a job that has you sitting in a corner office looking over the New York City skyline, but you don’t. It’s the furthest from the truth. It’s not what happens. Instead you turn something that you used to do for fun into your job, if you can even call it that. Yes, that’s right. People start to pay you to enjoy yourself. But it’s not as great as it seems because you’re still scared it might not be enough. You know what you want to be but right now you’re a slab of marble that’s waiting to get turned in to a masterpiece. Michelangelo didn’t make David in a day, so don’t expect to be set by the time you’re done school because I’m still trying to chip away until I make my David.

I bet you expected me to settle down and find a girl who’ll get along with everyone I know. It took me 99 before one said maybe. And eventually that one maybe turned into no way. If I had a dollar for every girl that I never kissed, that I never talked to, I’d be the richest person in the entire universe. Don’t have those regrets and kiss every girl you like. Don’t walk away. The only walk of shame you should have is the one after you get laid. You’re going to meet a few girls that leave you with more than just butterflies. They leave you with a swarm of African Killer bees that attack you and keep you from saying anything that makes sense. But that’s a good thing. Because those are the ones that matter. The ones that scare you are the ones you’ll care for. And get ready for the rejection, get ready to get hurt because every one of them will leave you feeling that way and it’s the greatest thing that will ever happen to you. It’s your Batman Begins to my Dark Knight. I realize that the Dark Knight hasn’t come out yet in your time, but waiting all those hours in line to see it is the best thing you’ll ever do.

So 14 year old me, who is probably sprawled out on the couch in the basement reading this, I hope you realized that you’re not going to be everything you wanted to be by the ripe old age of 22. You’re going to be lost, confused and worried about the future. And let me tell you, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because if you’re going to spend your life focused on the end goal you’re going to miss everything that this universe has to offer. Life is a chocolate brownie with a fudge filling. You savour it cause that shit is delicious.

Yours Truly.